The Power of Can – Adventure Awaits

I’m an ambitious person. I’ve always looked out into the world with wonder. I want to do all the things, go to all the places, and live my life to the fullest. However, since my MS diagnosis I have found myself questioning myself and my ability.

Ambitions / Dreams / Adventures

I want to learn to fabricate. I’ve always dreamt of building my own race car. Things which make a cool noise and go fast have always been a special interest of mine. Being able to make that a bigger part of my life has been something I have dreamt about for as long as I can remember.

I want to put all my being behind something that makes the world a better place. I have never cared about leaving a legacy, I just want to know that I am leaving the place better than I found it when that time comes.

I want to be the representation I sought when I was younger. Never underestimate the power of just feeling seen. If you can see it, you can be it.

I want to make movies, take amazing photos, and write about fantastical adventures. The kind which brings joy and inspires generations to dream. Dream big or go home!

I want to travel and explore all the beauty the world has to offer. There is so much I haven’t seen. So many cultures, so much natural beauty. The mere thought is breathtaking.

Most of all, I want to share love, laughter, and amazement with the people I care about.

The Devil Inside Me

Sure, some of my interests and ambitions can be a bit out there, or over the top, but they never felt so out of this world as they do right now. There is this disconnect between what my brain says I should be able to do, and where my MS steps in to tell me otherwise.

Part of me feels I can do all those things. I look at motorcycles online and imagine the many adventures I could go on. I shop for video and photography equipment as if I am about to start my own media conglomerate. But then I have these moments where I am reminded of my MS and how challenging it’s been at times. It takes me down a notch. It makes me sad, and I can’t help but feel this deep sense of loss, like parts of me are slowly being taken from me. Stolen by a thief in broad daylight.

I cry and try to recite my many blessings. But sometimes, it’s hard to fight that devil on my shoulder reminding me of all the horrible things, many of which haven’t even happened yet. This devil tells me that I am useless and incapable. Just a disabled plight on society. Giving in to this little monster is easy, telling the MS devil to fuck off is hard.

I don’t like this side of me. I don’t want to feel this way. I tend to be very much a cup-half-full kind of gal. But there is a real sense of loss there, one which requires mourning. One that requires some recalibrating. How do I tell my brain that those things, which were once easy, now require more time, more planning, more energy? How do I tell myself that I can be the person that does all the things, albeit on a more relaxed schedule?

Coping and Recalibrating

Putting things like this out into the world is very much part of my coping process. I struggle carrying these things with me in silence. It’s suffocating. So here I am telling you that MS sucks. It’s an invisible thief. A criminal who stole my motorcycle and my career. I’d try reporting this thief to the police, but I don’t believe they’d take me seriously.

Instead, I must set new goals, temper my expectations, and press forward. I can still live a full life filled with love, laughter, and adventure. My adventures might just be a little shorter. And while I can still do most of the things, it just takes me a bit longer. My days are short, my memory is shorter, and I can’t multi-task very well. But I can still ride a bike, albeit shorter distances. I can still take classes and learn new skills. I can still travel and explore, sometimes with the assistance of a mobility aide. And most notably, I can and do still experience happiness and joy.

With the support of my loving partner, I have purchased a new project car. Over the past year, I have been slowly modifying it for future track duty. Yes, some things take me significantly longer. Most things do, to be completely honest. But just being able to do the work on my own and seeing things get done one by one has been incredibly satisfying and encouraging.

Focusing on the things I can do as opposed to the things I can’t isn’t always easy, but there are far more things in the “can” column, and I fully intend on taking advantage of that. 🙂

Final Thoughts

MS is challenging. Most chronic illnesses are. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I am so thankful to have such an amazing loving person by my side supporting me, encouraging me along the way.

While it is not always easy, I still have those ambitions and dreams. It will take me some time to find myself in this new life of mine, but I look to the future with excitement! I will tell that little devil to piss off and I will live my life and enjoy the fuck out of it. Adventure awaits and I can’t wait to tell you all about it!