This is something I wrote long ago but never published as it was quite dark. It was something I needed to work through on my own prior to sharing it publicly.
Maybe I am broken…
I feel deeply for others in their suffering, I support them in their protests, and cheer them on in their fight for justice. Yet I can’t feel anything but guilt for my own struggles. As if my position of privilege negates the validity of any wrong in my life.
I have had it easy relative to others in our community. You could say I have had it easy comparatively to many outside of it.
As a result I feel unworthy of acceptance among my trans sisters and brothers.
I am blessed in many ways and I feel worthy of none of it.
Unlovable. Cowardly. Undeserving. I expect people to let me down, because I am undeserving of their affection, their attention.
Transition has lifted the fog of depression, but the underlying feeling of hopelessness remains in the shadows, underlining every moment of my life, happy or otherwise.
I am broken…
I know my family loves me. I know that if I need them they will be there for me. I know these things to be logically sound and true. Yet, I don’t feel it. I can’t feel it!
I don’t know how to assemble the pieces…
Praised as courageous… all I see is fear, self inflicted suffering, and time wasted. A coward waiting in a closet.
So much time…
I am sharing this here now, because I think it is important to talk about mental health. This is something I struggled with for much of my life. I know that there is still stigma around these topics and particularly around therapy, but there really shouldn’t be.
If you are struggling, you should be able to seek out the help you need. Just as you see a doctor for other medical conditions, you should see a mental health professional for your mental health without feeling bad about it.
If you are struggling with depression, I implore you to talk to someone. Don’t let it rule you.