It’s been a while since I last shared my thoughts and experiences on these pages. A full month without a post has passed. Sorry about that, I haven’t really felt myself for the better part of six weeks.
My hormone levels have been out of bounds ever since my procedure at the end of June. Things are slowly leveling out now and I am starting to feel more “normal” again.
It seems heightened levels of Testosterone don’t agree with me.
During my absence here I have put a lot of thought into what I want out of life. Particularly what I want when it comes to dating and sex. This topic is a complex one, and I don’t feel I really have a good answer at this time.
In my past life, I only dated women, though I couldn’t have said I had never been attracted to a man before. While I seemed to experience my sexuality much more fluidly than my peers, I identified as a heterosexual man, and I didn’t have any interest in being with a gay man (and still don’t). Gay men are attracted to men, whereas I am a femme trans-woman.
Having been on HRT for nearly a year I feel like it is time to revisit this topic and I am trying to keep an open mind, challenging myself to push out of my comfort zone a bit to explore my options.
It seems I am not necessarily attracted to a particular gender or gender expression. While I think I still generally prefer femme women, I really don’t think it matters if she is cis or trans. With that said, a chiseled male physique has it’s appeal as well. I like the idea of being courted, and I like the idea of being held by someone and just feeling safe in their embrace.
The best way I can describe my sexuality at this moment is that I am somewhere on the bi/pan-sexual spectrum. That might be a weird way of phrasing it, but I simply haven’t found that perfect answer which fits me yet.
Not having much of a social life, I have been experimenting a bit with Tinder. I have liked equal numbers of men and woman on the platform. While I don’t seem to have any problem matching with men, I have yet to match with a woman. Perhaps this simply isn’t the right platform for that.
Given this result, I feel safe in the assumption that at least in pictures men seem to find me attractive. It’s certainly been a new experience for me to have a man shower me with flattering messages, which I usually don’t really know how to reply to. It is particularly interesting to see how men seem to think that one or two flattering messages are enough to get a girl to come over for “a drink.” Messages are often loaded with expectation from the onset – not a fan of that.
With that said, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I did notice that most men (not all) disappear after finally reading my profile, in which I clearly identify that I am Transgender. On the plus side, I haven’t received any negative or hateful messages.
While I don’t feel like I am ready to start dating just yet, it’s been an interesting and fun experience, one which I hope will lead to more clarity.