Some days the words just flow and quickly form a cohesive thought. Other times it’s like pulling teeth. I love to write, yet some days decoding how I feel and bundling it into a few short paragraphs for you to digest can seem a near impossibility. Despite this love of writing, I often don’t seem to have the drive or the energy to do so.
When I was young, fresh out of high school, I was highly motivated and driven. I worked multiple jobs, went to college full time, did freelance work in my “spare time”, and somehow still managed to have a social life. Looking back now, I have no idea how I did it. Where did I find the energy, the spark, that extra something that kept me pushing onward? Heck, where did I even find the time to do half of what all I did?
The ambition that drove me back then hasn’t left me, but that extra something has. I lost “it” long ago, and I don’t know how to get it back. I do well to mask this both in my personal and professional lives, but it surely affects me every day in nearly every way.
I have no shortage of ideas and projects, yet I often just sit staring at the screen for hours unable to do anything. How do I find that spark to get past this void?
Somone posed the question earlier today whether I thought I might be depressed, or whether I felt it may be a result of anxiety. I don’t believe anxiety is the issue. In a way, I wish it was. I have learned how to address that. But am I depressed? I don’t know… I don’t think so, but how do I know for sure?
There is so much in this world that I love, yet I often can’t bring myself to participate in it. Almost as though I can’t bring myself to participate in my own life. I want to fix this, I need to fix this, but I don’t know how.
What happened to me that made me this way?
I hate to end this on a negative note. Perhaps I’ll add this to my collection of unpublished blog posts.