The Great Abyss

I got home late this evening. It’s a rainy day in Vegas, and things seem to slow down here on days like this. Overall the day was pretty average, went to work, ran some errands, just another day.

After dinner I proceeded into my bathroom, still wearing my work clothes, slightly damp disheveled hair, and as I stepped in front of the mirror – I froze. I just stood there staring into the abyss.

I think most trans people take frequent inventory of their lives, the decisions they’ve made, and how far they’ve come, as we ask ourselves, “am I doing the right thing.” It would almost certainly be easier to cave, to conform, right?

As I stood in front of that mirror, I saw something in my eyes I hadn’t seen in some time. Something I am not sure I can describe. A feeling, a past, an empty-ness I had hoped to never experience again. What seemed like an hour was surely not much more than a brief moment, but in that moment I had my answer.

I quickly changed into the PJ’s my mother got me, and a fluffy pink robe I received from my sister, and I couldn’t help but smile as Emma re-appeared in front of the mirror. It’s hard to believe what a difference clothes can make.

The truth is, I couldn’t go back to the way things were.